The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
