So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
