Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
