Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
