Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
