Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
