My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
