If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
pray to the hookup gods
Randomize
