I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
The struggles of a small town man whore
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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