I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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