just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
