I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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