I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
