True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
