In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
