you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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