It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I AM VODKA MAN
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
