So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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