I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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