You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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