I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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