You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
