Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
