the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
