why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
