I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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