I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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