My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
How does it feel to date your dad?
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