dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Woke up backwards on a recliner
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
