You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
