Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
