so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
