come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
i've created a new STD.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
