It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
