new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
