rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
