I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
