I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
