Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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