Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Randomize
