Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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