Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
