i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
