Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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