I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
