and my herpes radar will keep us safe
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
