an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
