i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
