Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
