Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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