Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
