Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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